Sharing- Rosary to God the Father- St. Antoninus Church, Newark - October 14, 2007

Opening prayer from Ephesians 3:14-19

Early in my new life in the Holy Spirit, I experienced a profound experience of God the Father and a healing of my past hurts with my earthly father. It began, of all places, in my car, as I was driving to a business meeting. I had just completed a quick and somewhat automatic recitation of the holy rosary, when I felt the urge to start another - this time, more reflectively, more heartfelt.

As I began with the sign of the cross, “in the Name of the Father”, I felt a gentle tug at my heart, as if to awaken it from sleep. I dismissed it and continued praying. When I spoke the words, “I believe in God the Father Almighty” I suddenly began to sob. I was shocked and confused. Why am I crying, I mentally asked my self? I sensed a surge of painful sadness from deep within, as if released from many years of repression. Tears and groans involuntarily escaped from me. I felt myself shaking. I tried to regain my composure, but I could not. I can’t recall exactly how long I was in this state, but somehow I realized that I had to stop the car. When I found the nearest exit, I pulled over into a parking lot. There, I wept until a profound sense of peace took over. I finished the rosary, and afterwards tried to fathom what just happened to me.

The Holy Spirit brought me back to the experiences of my youth which in the past I had found to be too painful to recall. I am the eldest of 5 children. My mother was and is the model of love and devotion to her husband and children. My father, now deceased, was a man of the world, and therefore mostly absent from us. He had many mistresses, and fathered many other children.

Until my teenage years, I can’t recall my father staying with us for a whole day. His visits were usually short, and only during special days like Christmas, New Year or birthdays. When he did come home, I tried my best to get his attention, by running to him as soon as I saw him, by serving him and by staying around him. I sought his approval and love, but he was not good at revealing his feelings toward us. I grew up thinking that my father did not love me or my siblings.

Over time, my love for him turned to hatred. I witnessed my mother’s pain and sorrow over my father’s unfaithfulness and absence. I silently wept as I heard her cry in anguish in her room every time she heard news that my father was in town but did not see us. I felt humiliation and shame whenever my school prevented me from taking the exams as my father’s tuition payment check had bounced. I felt so small every time my father’s troubles were in the news. I imagined condescension, pity or disdain on the faces of my teachers and classmates every day that my father was in the news. It came to a point that I began denying my father when people asked me about him. I lied and told people I did not know him. I began hating his name, which is also my name. I wished I had a different name. I wished I was some other man’s son.

As I sat there, it dawned on me that the Father of light had just shown me are area deep pain and longing that He wanted to heal, by the power of His Name. The Spirit of His Son Himself was interceding for me with inexpressible groanings, with loud cries and tears to the Father who is able to save me from death and to restore me to His new life. In the Name of the Father, the Spirit led me to repentance for my judgments against my father. In the name of the Father, I forgave my father, and received his forgiveness. In the Name of the Father- my broken heart was healed and my wounds were bound. In the Name of the Father, all the pain and shame in my heart associated with my experience of my earthly father vanished, replaced with love, honor and respect.

All my growing up years, I sought the love and attention of my earthly father, but did not find it. All my life, my Heavenly Father sought my love and attention, but I had failed to requite it. But like the father in the parable of the prodigal son, my Heavenly Father patiently awaited my return. And when I made my trek back to Him, He ran to meet me, to welcome me with His loving embrace, and to restore me to the place of honor that He has prepared for me since the beginning of time.

I am now at peace with my earthly father, at peace with the years I grew up without his presence. I have now come to rejoice my memories of him, for I have accepted him as he was, with all his strengths and weaknesses. My Heavenly Father used him and my mother to give me life. My Heavenly Father filled whatever was lacking in them to nurture me with His love. This experience has strengthened my faith in our God, and I can truly proclaim, with all confidence and trust, that I believe in God the Father Almighty, the source, the fullness and embodiment of all the love and kindness that we can receive from a father and a mother.

Father, I thank you for your Son Jesus Christ, through whom we can now call you our Father, and because we are your family, we stand confident that we have brothers and sisters in Jesus and we will never stand alone and lonely before you.

Rom 8:14-17 “For those who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, "Abba, * Father!" The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him.